What does this do to people?
Since starting this series of posts I’ve had a few friends reach out and thank me for sharing this. They’d experienced miscarriages in some form and told me “people don’t talk about it.” I’d love to know why. I understand that some people want to keep certain things private. You don’t need to know all the dirty details. But this isn’t something shameful. This isn’t something we chose, or acted in a way to cause. This is bad luck for so many of us, yet we keep it quiet and people prefer not to acknowledge it.
But the pain remains.
We came to learn that people really don’t know how to talk about it. People try to be understanding. They usually end up saying all the wrong things. Yeah, we’re Catholic and believe in Heaven…spare us your comments about Limbo or the chances to meet the babies when we die. While you’re at it, yes, we’ve considered that maybe a biological sibling for Giada isn’t in the cards….no need to tell us to give up. And, for the record, I’m pretty sure God isn’t sitting there with a furrowed brow muttering ‘I planned for one kid for the Gowdens and they just keep trying! When will they get it through their thick skulls I didn’t plan it that way!”
Your tastes change: Right around this time the game Dante’s Inferno came out and a friend told me I HAD TO PLAY IT!!! Read the reviews….level with unborn baby-zombies trying to eat you. Yeah, no thanks…thematic fail for me. I also tried to get into the Walking Dead; all my friends said how great it was. 3 eps in and I decided I had enough misery in my life…didn’t need it from my entertainment. My tastes were changing…I was softening. I can tell you that 6 years later, I’m still not watching Walking Dead and other shows that heap misery upon the characters and audience.
Here is a paragraph I’ve been trying to write for 2 days. What does it do to a marriage? It does all the horrible things you can imagine; fights, selfishness, distancing There was no single, memorable moment to tell you about…it was simply months of trying to cope, understand and keep moving forward. We were fortunate to have the support of our families, to have never blamed one another and never gave up on each other. Looking back, its very easy and understandable to see how this could devastate a relationship (and ends a lot of couples.) We’re thankful we walked away bruised, but not beaten.
Back to the story….
Pathology report came back within about a week. Baby#3 suffered from Triploidy. A lot of the common genetic defects involve an extra chromosome somewhere. In Triploidy, you get 3 of EVERY chromosome. Life span, IF the child is born is measured in single digit hours. Most end in miscarriage; I guess you could say the more merciful result.
So what did that mean to us? Nothing! It’s another fluke! As our doctor said, we did nothing wrong and nothing to cause this. Were the odds comically against our favor? Yes. Was there any evidence anywhere to say we wouldn’t be successful with another pregnancy? No.
Heidi and I talked, a lot. We needed time off from this. We agreed that after a year of miscarriages, her body, our marriage and our sanity needed a break. It was late September, maybe early October and there would be no talk of babies till after the holidays. Giada would get our combined attention and we’d spend some time healing. We’d spend time as a couple, party it up and refocus on us.
Along with this came the decision that we needed a Disney do-over. Heidi couldn’t look at the pictures without feeling the pain and loss. The trip was tainted for her. We settled on another trip, in January of 2010, no pregnancy, no stress, just the three of us and a magical time.
And it was.